he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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