I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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