Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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