so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
