can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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