this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
