We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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