I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
im holly from the hills drunk
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Are we still banned from the library?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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