So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
