I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize