he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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