I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
