i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
