don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
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