Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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