Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
