tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
