What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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