my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
So I just went to clothing optional bar
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize