I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
