her vagine was all disorganized.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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