where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
