Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
pray to the hookup gods
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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