Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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