Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
