We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
