Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
True strength comes from lack of pants
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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