all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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