I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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