until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize