something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
What a dumb baby whore.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
