'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
