this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
