Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
