When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
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