You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
