I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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