dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
