My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
