Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
