Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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