you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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