He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
