I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
