its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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