It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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