I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
