____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
