I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
