Betty ford says i'm here all night
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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