Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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