Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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