if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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