I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
