The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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