He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
