put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
