i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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