You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
