I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
