We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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