just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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