you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
