My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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