Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
